Keep in mind, many of these go for both sexes, but they’re definitely written from a woman’s perspective.

1. Don’t start out with the hoppiest, highest ABV, most flavorful beers and then peter out to lagers and cream ales. You won’t be able to taste much.

2. Try not to eat Chipotle or anything else heavy right before. There’s nothing worse than having a BM in a Port-O-Potty.

3. Please, wear lots of deodorant.

4. If you’re not going to stay the whole time, go an hour or so after the start, when all the special stuff starts to be tapped, but before people start packin’ up.

5. Don’t wear a shirt with anything that will give drunken guys even more of an excuse to talk to you.

6. Don’t wear big clunky heels, especially if it’s outside. I continue to do this.

7. If you’re at a beer fest that gives you a finite amount of tickets for tastes, you’re at a lame festival. Luckily, most pourers are beer lovers, and think that idea is dumb. Don’t give a ticket for a pour unless held at gunpoint.

8. These things are generally full of happy, new-age hippies. There won’t be a riot if you cut in line.

9. Prepare to be crop-dusted. Often.

10. Make your own damn pretzel necklace. It’s cheap and quick. (Be creative: Big nuts like pecans work nicely, too, and go well with porters and stouts)

Dark Lord 2009 Tasting from Jennifer Litz on Vimeo.

Three Floyds Dark Lord is the holy grail of Russian imperial stouts. Dark Lord Day is the holy grail of special release beer festivals.

I had the privilege of experiencing both, and without standing in line for hours like everyone else. Beer Magazine commissioned me to write an article on beers worth waiting in line for: Special releases whose commemorative events have reached cult status thanks to the breakneck speed beer news now travels on the Internet. Head brewer Nick Floyd said there were only about 50 people at the first DLD a mere four or so years ago. Now hundreds fly in from other states and countries for the privilege of standing in line for hours to buy these bottles. Check out the July/Aug Beer Mag issue for more on the day of debauchery.

I would have had to stand in line myself, but my wonderful pregnant friend Tamre had a serendipitous twist in the trajectory of hers, which delivered bottles of Dark Lord in under 15 minutes. (No, she wasn’t drinking, but she’s a big enough fan to plan ahead for non-pregnant times.) We bought ours off her so we could spend our time cavorting and bothering inebriated strangers for half-coherent quotes.

We cracked it open to taste for you here (see video). I tasted a 2008 DL on Good Beer Show back in April. That one was a lot thicker and sweeter, and truly lived up to the bottle’s promise of “motor oil consistency.” I’m not sure if it was due in part to its year of aging, but that one was much more intense than the more modern progeny. Dark Lord 2009 has licorice, chocolate and coffee flavors, but in much more muted fashion than before. I perceived a bit more carbonation on the tongue tip this time around, and a hop bitterness that shone through the quiet, still lagoon.

Note on the video: A writer and photographer I am. A videographer, I am not. Watch it if you dare. It’s a silly take on some of the stuffier, snobby beer tasting vlogs out there.